There's a verse in the New Testament (If I take the time to look it up, I may not blog) that talks about going through fire and the fire burns away all that was not real in the first place and you are left with what is real (possibly the worst paraphrase ever!). These last few weeks have been horrible with my dad as sick as he is. It is hard to focus on anything else, including school, being a good mother, cleaning - all the things I HAVE TO DO. I keep thinking of this verse, because I am so aware of who I really am. When all is sailing along hunky-dory, it is easy to be a good wife, student, mother, citizen. When times are tough - not so easy. I have had several moments in the last couple of weeks where I have stepped back and gotten an objective view of myself - It's pitiful.
Here are a couple of examples:
Someone stole my laundry basket and I seriously considered leaving a note on the laundry room door that said, "To whoever stole my laundry basket - F U!"
I actually caught myself saying this one to my one and two year olds - "Stop your Goddamn fighting!" What a contradiction!
The worst moment of the whole week was when I yelled - yep, yelled - at a cop who gave me a warning for a parking ticket. She was actually driving away and I yelled some smart-ass comment and she stopped her car and treating me very much like an armed criminal (seriously, she was MAD) gave me a ticket.
I am praying every day now, not just for my father, but that God helps me (PLEASE GOD!) to have the grace to be a good student, wife, mother, and well, citizen - even in the worst of times.
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3 comments:
Ouch! About the ticket that is.
I'm in the boat with you Stace, I was amazed at my negative thoughts towards a couple people at church on Sunday who had done nothing to me! I just didn't like how they were doing things and so in my mind was belittling them as people. The Holy Spirit gently stopped me in mid thought though I think I deserved a hearty slap! Isn't crazy when you look at your kids fighting and arguing and driving you nuts and then think about how God is constantly watching His children do the same! For me right now Life is such a Lesson in how much I need the Fruit of the Spirit...love joy peace patience (please God) kindness goodness gentleness and self control....wow. Ok so this has become its own blog so I'll stop. :) Just wanted to say I feel ya!
I have been convicted the past few days about my occasional harshness and lack of patience (mainly with the three people I love the most). In my bible study the other morning was this verse:
"And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8
I decided to do a word study on the three key words.
Justly: free from favoritism, SELF-INTEREST, or bias.
Mercy: a disposition to be KIND and forgiving.
Humble: having a spirit of submission, not being high or lofty.
WOW! What conviction. I needed that. Since I have had my hands, heart and mind full with all these things; striving to be just, merciful and humble.
Stacia, I am so sorry! I have been in your very similar shoes and am sorry you are walking through this! The verse that has really helped me in times like this is Proverbs 3:25-26 Have no fear of sudden disatser or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared. I love the reminder that as scary as a situation is I can trust the Lord and not be afraid ( not an easy task when watching your baby lying in a hospital bed on life support). I will keep you and your family in my prayers!
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